Nice Guy Myths Part II: (Dude, Seriously, It Might be You)

Myth #3: Falling in Love Often- Means the Same thing as Loving Deeply… Because I’m Such a Nice Guy

If you walk into each new dating situation believing you may have found the future mother (or father) of your children, then you probably don’t even notice the actual woman (or man) who is in front of you… who she is, what she likes, her quirks, or her passions.   

It is likely you are so focused on finding "A" woman to fit into your future that you wouldn’t know the right woman if she smacked you upside the head. 

If you find your heart is being broken every other week, then it is likely you are giving your heart away with waaaaaay too much ease, and possibly for no greater reason than “Ug... you woman (or man).  You complete me.”

You don’t meet a person once a month who is worthy of receiving your pin number or computer password, so why give over something as precious as your heart to every cute person who says yes within a couple weeks’ time?

 

If your love life looks like this, then being “too nice” is not your problem.

 

1 Day Later

 

 

5 Days Later

 

 

3.5 Days Later

 

 

The Next Day...

 

 

The Next, Next Day...

 

 

One Week Later

 

 

If this level of love desperation is occurring in your life, then it is likely that the woman (or man) in your life knows… and your presence smells like that of a wounded zebra slowly dangling behind the herd.  We can smell it, and our primal instincts are telling us to promptly look at that tree over there with that neat leaf that turned orange even though we are still a month away from Autumn and pretend we don't see you.

 We know the buzzards are circling, and we have no interest to be generic woman #22 who said yes. 

 

We want to be the woman you WANTED to say yes.

Oh yeah, and being nice is not synonymous with being a stalker.

Seriously.

In Conclusion:

This isn’t to say don’t take chances, don’t give your heart away, or that you should immediately harden your heart and make the *&%$#$#  EARN that  %$#$@!  It is saying to have some discernment.  Maybe discover if you actually like the person (you know, for WHO they are instead for simply being in front of you) before you start crossing over into the land of the L-word. 

 

And please... talk to the person before updating your Facebook status. 

You're Welcome.

Nice Guy Myths Part I: (Maybe it's You)

I’ve heard a lot from self-proclaimed “nice guys” about how their relationships don’t work BECAUSE they are nice guys.  They decided girls are self-loathing, evil people who only want guys who treat them like dirt.  

 

While these girls (and guys) do exist, it is my belief they are the minority. Though, don’t get me wrong, a lot of girls (and guys) do like a sprinkle of naughty in the nice mates they choose.   People don’t want ALL nice ALL the time (wink wink).

DISCLAIMER:  *WARNING* WARNING*:  I am not at all saying that nice guys (or girls) have it equally as easy or easier than bad boys (or girls).  There have been plenty of times when I've wondered WHY cool guys were dating horribly jerky girls.

What gets me about the “nice guy” myth is that “nice guys” (and girls) seem to believe that being nice is their only flaw.  Like,

"OooOOOooh, she would have been mine if I
wasn’t so friendly and caring!" 

Yeah, women (and men) totally hate friendly and caring... Be gone, evil beast!

I personally don’t see many people (who aren’t severely damaged) running far and fast from kindness and caring. 




Myth #1:  Nothing Else is Wrong With You
Maybe something like this is happening instead:

Sorry Nice Guys (and girls), but what may really be happening here is a severe lack of introspection and self-reflection.  Similar to how in job interviews there is always that one dork face who claims his only flaw is perfectionism. 

Yeah, bosses totally hate perfectionists. 

Maybe it is easier to think that the opposite sex isn’t that into you because you are SO overqualified instead of actually looking inside yourself and seeing if there is something to improve.

Myth #2: Being “Nice” and Being a Pushover is Basically the Same Thing 

Lacking a spine, or dating while constantly in fear that you’ll do something wrong to upset your date isn’t the same as being nice.

I’ve never hung out with a girl (pardon my anecdotal evidence)  who spent our coffee time complaining that a guy complimented her, opened her door, laughed at her jokes, or cared about her interests.

However, here is an example complaint I have heard before:

 

You can be a wonderfully kind a loving guy (or girl) and still have your own passions, beliefs, preferences, opinions, and choices.   Frankly, a lot of girls (and guys) think it is cool when you can hold your own in a healthy debate/discussion or introduce her to something she never thought she’d do before.

 To Be Continued...

Finding My Own Missing Piece: Lessons Learned by Being Single Part I

I was a late bloomer. 

I spent most of my childhood ugly and fat, and I spent the rest of my childhood believing I was ugly and fat.  Along with these beliefs, Catholic upbringing, and being reminded repeatedly as a child that I was annoying and “weird”, I grew up believing I was unworthy, annoying, and not good enough for any boy to like me. 

I got my first boyfriend when I was 17 and never looked back.  Each relationship lasted about a year, and each time (except one, who, at the time, broke my heart) I was the one who ended the relationship.  I was certain I had a one-year dooms-day timer.  A final factor in my doomed relationship makeup was that I often selected guys I felt were somehow below me, whether in status, looks, or social skills. 

More than love, I needed to be loved, and if guys had to live in fear of losing me, I wouldn’t have to live in fear of losing them.  I would finally be loved above all else, and I would be complete. 

I am aware this behavior is a bit sick, and it took me finally being single and willing to honestly look at myself to realize I was doing this.  We all have reasons of why we do what we do, and we will find those reasons if we are willing to see the ugly truth.  While I will not excuse my behavior, I will share that my choice in boyfriends may have stemmed in part from the first crush I had who actually seemed to like me back.  He was a good looking hippy who already had facial hair!  He seemed to like me, we kissed a few times, and then he set me up with his nerdy friend while he then hooked up with my hot friend. 

His nerdy friend was a great guy, and we spend a year together, with no real spark, but I didn’t really know what a spark was or that I should be feeling it in the first place.  Either way, that situation helped burn my perceived social ranking into my brain.  Hot guys?  They don’t want me.  

For better or worse, that is a bit of my history. 

Since those early relationship discoveries, I have spent almost my entire life in one relationship or another.  My single life consisted of a couple weeks or months at a time.  Being single was uncomfortable.  The usual questions crept up: Will I ever find love again? What if no one wants me?  What if I am too ugly? What if this was the best I was ever going to have?

This last relationship lasted seven years, a feat I didn’t think I was capable of.  He was a good man, and I regret many of my actions to this day.  I also know that the relationship needed to end and spent a great deal of time in the obligatory maybe-he-or-I-will-change-and-everything-will-be-good phase.  After this relationship of still not feeling complete, or healthy, or altogether happy, I finally made a change.

I decided to be single...

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