Sunday, May 20, 2012

Finding My Own Missing Piece: Lessons Learned by Being Single Part II

I decided to be single.

Not just temporarily single, not a rest or a breather while secretly waiting for the next guy.  I decided to be with me, just me, and work on being complete and happy unto myself. 

I decided to have my home, my art, my music, my space, my reading… my life.  I was finally willing to accept the idea that if I can’t be happy with myself, I am not going to be happy with anyone else.  This concept was just one of many ideas I was certain only applied to other people. 
So here I am, a year and a half later, single.  I have not dated or sought a man.  And here are a few of the lessons I have learned:

1. I am a very selfish person. 
I always viewed love in terms of what I could get out of it, and was never willing to give more than I took.

2. There is nothing wrong with romance novels.
Hey, I needed something to pass the time.

3.  It is not “his fault” that I am not out traveling, making great art, finding new bands, playing the piano, writing, hiking, and taking risks.

How I Imagined Single Life

 I don’t do these things because I am poor, have high-anxiety, and well, I can be a bit lazy.  I have finally started working on these things.  I create art about once a month, I am taking piano lessons once or twice a month, I occasionally find a new band, and I work to step out of my comfort zone.  However, all the hurdles keeping me from these things stem within me.  It is my journey, and my trials. 

I will not be playing a piano concert soon, nor will I have a showing at an art gallery any time soon.  I also will not be driving across the country any time soon.  Maybe I’ll get to do these things eventually, but I have only acquired a small portion of what I was certain would instantaneously happen if some guy wasn’t standing in my way. 

Actual Single Life
During this time I developed an unnatural love for Richard Blaiz,
Agent Booth, Gary from Alphas, and Dr. Brian Cox.

4.  Copy and paste above text, but insert “hanging out with my friends”. 
Sorry guys. 

5.  I fall for people who fall for me. 
Yup, I am attracted to attraction, in love with love. I’ve actually had very few instances in the last year and a half when I thought, “Man!  That guy is cute.  How can I get him to notice me?”  (Ok, at least I haven't felt this about real people.  I still think I am gong to marry Dr. Brian Cox from the Discovery Channel or Agent Booth from Bones. )  

Physics is Sexy
After seeing this amazing drawing, Dr. Cox is totally going to want to talk all sciencey
to me and marry me. I think he will like his Abe-Lincoln beard that was supposed to be
shading because I made his face too fat and didn't want to start over.   Emo hair, yum.

 So, without getting into relationship-seeking mode, my next goal is to look around and see who and what I am attracted to without them showing an obvious attraction to me. If the world was my smorgasbord, what would I want to put on my plate?

6. I am not different from other women.  
I have the same fears that I used to belittle.  I am 32.  Is it too late to get married?  Is it too late to have a kid?  Will a guy want me with my wrinkles and stretch marks?  How do I fit in?  How do I make friends?  How do I get rid of the unwanted aspects of my personality and fill those holes with the things I wanted to be?

One thing single life has given me is the ability to look at myself and work on changing myself… mostly because I no longer have the option of looking at and wanting to change the flaws in someone else.  It has been a very good year for me, and I hope to continue shedding my fears until I can walk, smile, live, laugh, and love, unafraid. I know it is my journey now, and not some natural-born right that is being taken from me.  There are certain truths we can only experience because we’ll never believe it if someone tells us. 

Drawings by me.  If you share them, please share where you got them.

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